Side Effects, Steve Martin |

Download this article as an e-book

Side Effects, Steve Martin

In a piece you may be familiar with called Side Effects, Steve Martin gets right stoopid, as only he can.

In Side Effects, Steve Martin ridiculously parodies pharmaceutical drug warning labels. Actually, if you read some prescription drug labels, maybe it’s not that ridiculous.

Some things are really stoopid. Really, really stoopid!

really really stupid - side effects steve martinIf you have seen The Jerk, you have seen stoopid epitomized on film.

Then there are things that are really, really really stoopid!

Let’s not forget those rare, but unquestionably idiotic things, which are undeniably ridiculous to the point that you wonder how something so moronically… moronic... ever found it’s way into the realms of any fathomable conception of sanity.

But enough about current world events.

Put This In Your Needle and Poke It!

I don’t know if it was a vaccine Steve Martin was taking, but whatever it was and whatever the benefits, it hardly seems like it was worth it!

Here we go:


Side Effects | Steve Martin


side effects steve martin

Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

Side Effects:

This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears.

If you feel faint, call your doctor.

Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables.

O.K. foods:


Under no circumstances eat yak.

Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl.

Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users – sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage.

Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent – in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. man having side effects

You may find yourself becoming lost or vague

This would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience “spontaneous test-pilot knowledge.” If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any building or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a “countdown.”

May cause stigmata in Mexicans.

If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase “no can do”.

This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, “I’m gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!”

You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die.

Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily “walking-around time.”

Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw.

Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy – join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter.

You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fidgeting.

The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain.

WARNING: side effects steve martin

This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moire. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at

Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts.

You may experience “lumpy back” syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of “quiet time” in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects.

Flotaion devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown over-board, contact your doctor. (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.)

Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a “phantom” third arm. User may experience certain inversions of language. against your will - don't do it


“Hi, are how you?”


“The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst.”

Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE.

You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.

Congrats for immunizing yourself against humorless stoopidity by watching Side Effects – Steve Martin.

Vaccine Suicide Cult by Mike Adams

How to Slowly Poison Someone | Is Fluoride Good or Bad?

Back to top Side Effects Steve Martin


Download this article as an e-book

10 thoughts on “Side Effects, Steve Martin |”

  1. Yikes! Thanks for sharing that, David. I could never take Dristan because it felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

  2. I get the idea of the article and you have made good points. I often don’t adhere to the label of the drugs I eat or drink and I had a bad experience where I drank more than the prescribed cough medicine because I was sick of coughing. I ended up in the ER with a heart beat problem and had to stay overnight! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Hey Kwidzin. 

    I’m not sure what he’s doing now, either. Last I recall, he was doing the banjo thing, as you mentioned. 

    The Jerk was back in the late 70s, or maybe 1980…? I have no idea if it is actually funny to anybody now. It’s just one of those things that you find hysterical when you are young, and so it stays with you as being hysterical.

  4. Well, I did think that it had been a while since I last saw Steve Martin doing anything (not that I watch a lot of Television right enough). Last time I saw him was on Jools Holland playing Bluegrass banjo with his band. They were actually really good. I havent seen the movie Jerk. Bt is this someying that steve martin is doing now?

  5. Hi Craig. I didn’t know this one but I definitely love it.  I watched it twice, laughing each time more and more. And this is so true, some side effect you can read about are so ridiculous and horrible that actually you feel you should not take the pill. I understand why pharmaceutical companies are doing it but something its pure absurd when you have two pages of potential side effects. Thank you for good laugh!

  6. Thanks, Vanabell. I remember first reading Side Effects many years ago and laughing very hard, probably because it is not that far from the truth!

  7. Hahaha! Thanks for sharing this Crag! Absolutely loved it. When I read through this, I started laughing  at the side effects. In a pharmacology class we were laughing at some of the possible side effects because now a days on tv commercials they list a whole bunch of ones that might happen to you and you wonder if you should risk taking the drug. The most hilarious part of this was that the medication is for joint pain, and the first side effect listed is joint pain.

  8. Hi, Craig!

    Films are unquestionably great influencers for bad and for good. If it happens in a film maybe there’s a connection to reality even when stupidity is the theme. The problem is that most people cannot separate real life from films.

    I enjoyed your post a lot. Thanks for sharing and keep safe!

Leave a Comment